A Mean Case of the Blues

An inescapable sadness has been following me around for the past 8 days, and it's not been pretty, I admit. Some days are better than others. Some days I get distracted by work, plans, parties, etc. But then other days I find myself alone again, alone with my thoughts and worries and preoccupations, and then the inevitability of a crushing bitter sadness takes over me and wipes me out. (There's a nice dose of drama for you.) It's been 8 days of this. What a week.

I hate to throw my dirty laundry out to dry here on my blog, but then I thought, perhaps this is common for the newly engaged. Perhaps it's normal to feel this swing in emotion. Because I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a come-down from my 7-week engagement high. It's like withdrawal. The engagement distracted me with its promise of a hopeful and exciting future, but now I am back to life, back to reality. Back to the problems and emotions and anxieties I was feeling pre-engagement, before I was swept away by romance and excitement and a newfound girlishness I never knew I possessed.

Yes, now, back to my worried life. I am a worrier; this I am discovering. The older I get, the more worrisome I become. The shift is gradual, but persistent nonetheless, and sooner rather than later I'd like to stop this trend. Reverse it even, if that's possible (note to self).

For now, I'm worried about things I can't control, but also about things that I can. I'm in constant battle with myself: do I take charge, or do I let things run their course? How much can I influence my future? How much should I? For honesty's sake, and also because I'm such an avid list-maker, here's a rundown of my current playlist of worries:

• Career path. Where am I headed? What am I doing? I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm an intelligent, adaptable person, thoroughly capable of so much more. It shouldn't have to be such a fight. And to tell you the truth, I'm getting tired of being in the ring.
  

• Family. How can I be a better daughter, sister, future in-law, friend? Personal family problems cropped up exactly one week before my engagement, and I've felt guilty all week that I'm just now coming out of the clouds to face these problems again.
  

• Lack of self-confidence, full of self-doubt. Where have I gone to? Have I started losing parts of myself? I know I have a tendency to sometimes feel weak and forget the incredible strength of which I possess. This happens to be one such time, right when I need to remember that strength most.

So there you have it. A peak into my dark side. The truth isn't always pretty but sometimes necessary to look straight in the face. I've often gotten the best perspective that way.

And so I start to think about all the other many aspects of my life for which I am thankful. Like my curiosity. My love of learning. My relationship with Clay. My amazing friends. My incredibly cool job. My outlets in writing, reading, and running. My beautiful life here in Austin.

I could go on, if I wanted. There's so much richness. But then I look at this list, and then again at my list of worries, and I see that things aren't as bad as they seem. Perhaps just a little adjustment of the lens is all I need to part the clouds and shake this mean case of the blues.

If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for the Creator, there is no poverty.
- R.M. Rilke